This is a variation of the “Begin Here” page, but to me its worth another mention because the year 2012 contained three important events:
-2012 was the first year that I stopped obsessing about scenarios where I ended my own life. The thoughts would come back in the fall of 2014, but they would go away just as fast as they would appear. But from late 2000 until about five years to this day, killing myself was a thought that I couldn’t shake.
-I broke a five year sexless streak in 2012, and had sex with two different women across two weeks. Sure the women were not (traditionally) attractive and they were pretty much advertised to me by those in my circles, but I was also going on numerous dates as well. I had finally decisively addressed my love life (this would get even better when I discovered online dating in 2014).
-I took my second significant amount of time off college. This was a good three or so years too late. When I took this time off when 2012 began, the grades were the worst that I ever had. When I came back in 2014, my lowest grade was a 78. My GPA for those terms were approaching 3.5. Time off, if taken properly, works.
Those three events took place because of an action that I took when I was at the track of my college campus, listening to the record pictured above. I don’t remember exactly how I took this action, but something just snapped while I was running and listening to that record. The crazy part is that nothing significant happened. This was back when I was posting on Pickup Artist Network message boards, and I declared that “I didn’t need their help anymore.” I was also seeing a therapist, and told her that I was alright and didn’t need to see them again. I will talk about the nadir of the Dating Coaching and therapy industries at another time and how much they rock AND suck, but for now let’s just leave it into the context that I didn’t need the help of strangers on others to “un-depress” me.
So what did I do? I honestly didn’t know what to call it back then other than “acceptance.” And maybe that’s all it was. But maybe there was something different about it than just accepting certain conditions. Maybe there is something from this experience that I can talk about to help others as well as remind myself of what I need to do if things hit rock bottom again (although that’s very unlikely for me).
No. What I did was WAY different than just “acceptance.”
Accepting that I was thrown into a broken home scenario right before high school wasn’t “acceptance.”
Accepting that I was sexually assaulted by a childhood friend a year after that wasn’t “acceptance.”
Accepting that I nearly broke the law just because I was being creepy wasn’t “acceptance.”
Accepting that my father died a very disappointed, bitter, and heartbroken individual despite any effort of mine wasn’t just “acceptance.”
No, what I did on that fateful day in May of 2012 deserves a better name. I’m calling it…
DECISIVE Acceptance. That’s what it was. That’s the only name I can come up for it.
Very few, especially those with backgrounds similar to mine, have no idea of how to make decisions of their own. Even worse, many of them are told that the decisions that others make for them are better for them. The vast majority of those like me who have had a troubled past are typically not the best decision makers. I remember one day it took me a half hour just to figure out what I wanted to eat. That kind of thing still happens to me. Anthony Robbins has a quote: “In your head, you’re dead.” And that’s the nadir that many individuals with troubled pasts deal with: They are ALWAYS thinking about stuff and being introspective.
Accepting things decisively puts an end to all that, or at the very least, minimizes it. Those four things that I listed were what I call the “four horsemen of my apocalypse.” Up until 2012, I let those four things define me so vividly, that I couldn’t succeed. They held me back and delayed my progress in anything involving performance by nearly a decade. I will talk about these later one by one, how they affected me, and how you can prevent it from affecting you if they happen to you.
Accepting them decisively is part of that puzzle. This is a concept that deserves other posts, and that’s why this post is a primer. Although I made this decision of “decisive acceptance” overnight, it was part of a process and accepting the things that happened to me decisively was a culmination of this.
In future posts, I will talk about certain events in my life, how I didn’t deal with them back then, and what influenced me to decisively accept them on that fateful day five years ago.