Four Horsemen of my Apocalypse #1

A conversation that I had with my mother here started a series of events that shook me to the core.

After over a decade away, I’m back in South Florida. South Florida is a place that has not treated me well over the years. While it is true that I have met the best people that I would ever know here, it is also true that many an unfortunate event happened to me here as well. Four particular events took place here that shook me to my foundation to where I needed to build a new foundation. In some ways I am resentful of this. In other ways, I am thankful.

Some of these events will seem trivial compared to others. Some of them would be agreed on to be life shattering. All four rewrote the way I approached certain aspects in my life, and would be things that I would need to address very intimately in order to grow as a person.

For years, these events would hold me back, as I mentioned in an earlier post. And it was only when I accepted that these things happened to me and addressed them head on that I was able to actually stop floundering and begin succeeding.

The picture you see at the beginning of this post is of a park that both my parents used to take me to. It was 20 or so years ago where my mother took me almost to this exact spot, and told me that she had filed for divorce from my father. I was 14 and 1/2 at the time and just finishing junior high, although the high school mentality was still running quite high among my peers. And in the environment that I was in, being in a broken home means that you do not have a lot of value, and in the narrative of the high school mentality, we all know what that means.

So at the time, for that reason I was devastated. When my parents actually separated in February of 1997, the desperate struggle to find a replacement for my mother began. Keep this in mind, as I will be going back to it. In fact, all four of these events are somewhat connected, or at the very least they revolve around one another.

Another thing that my parents divorcing showed me was that I couldn’t trust women. In fact, I began to develop some pretty negative opinions of the opposite sex, opinions that would make me equal parts attractive and unattractive. I remember seeing couples in school and saying to either myself or whoever was with me, “they won’t last. My parents couldn’t even stay together for 20 years!” This narrative was a preventive mechanism in my success with the opposite sex back then, but it is a very useful defense mechanism now. My parents divorcing would unintentionally teach me the very useful mindset of outcome independence with the opposite sex years down the road and in retrospect, prevented what could have been some really nasty burns by the opposite sex.

My parents divorcing influenced me to develop a major cognitive dissonance in my thoughts about the opposite sex. I wanted a girl, but couldn’t trust a girl. I automatically assumed that they would just drop me like a bad habit if I ever dated one, but I was still being taught to place them on pedestals. This manifested itself when I would encounter my high school crush, which is the third horseman of my apocalypse.

I had the mentalities of an attractive guy, especially in high school when girls can detect greed and need levels in most boys really quickly, as they are taught that all boys and men potential rapists (for the most part) in addition to the crush culture narrative. So most girls sensed my distrust and it would make them attracted to me. But because the end result (or what I perceived to be the end result) played itself right before my eyes, I willingly did not pursue them.

There was one exception, however. And this exception will be explored in part three.

However, before that, the worst was yet to come. And that is what the next article will be about.